Probie's Coffin
by LMR
Summary: A strange new character on loan from Norfolk visits the lab and ignites the weirdest jealousy triangle EVER, and manages to play some matchmaker while she’s there. I posted this out of frustration with the lack of McAbby fics. McAbby
1. A Strange Creature Passes Through

Probie's Coffin

An NCIS fic by LMR

Romance/Humor

Pairing: MAbbey, Tate, a little bit of G-rated Abbey/Other slash (but with a happy MAbbey ending!)

Summary: A strange new character on loan from Norfolk visits the lab and ignites the weirdest jealousy triangle EVER, and manages to play some matchmaker while she's there. I posted this out of frustration with the lack of MAbbey fics.

Rating: PG

Don't forget to review!

Disclaimer: Cheerio, the Roaming Gnome here to tell you that NCIS, Abbey, McGee, Tony, Cate, Gibbs, Ducky, and Jimmy don't belong to me! But Eleanor does! And she's a wonderful tour guide, as you will see. The wheels on the bus go 'round and 'round! Oh, wait, no, that's Gibb's driving, not Eleanor's. So I don't own that either. Don't forget your hat (which I don't own!)

Chapter 1: A Strange Creature Passes Through

"Jimmy, go away, you're annoying me!" Abbey stared intently at the computer screen. "Go bug Ducky." Jimmy looked wounded. "Sorry. I didn't mean it." She finished under her breath, "Much." She patted his shoulder. "I'm just in a bad mood, lately, that's all."

Jimmy mustered up the courage to talk, hoping it wouldn't result in loss of limb. "Anything in particular?"

She started to answer when Gibbs strolled through the door, paying as little attention as always to the concept of knocking. "She's PO'd 'cause Neandraboy's not here." There was someone with him, but she stayed in the corner, and Abbey figured she would leave with Gibbs.

"Lovin' the tact, Gibbs. Did you bring my caffeine?"

Gibbs held a non-company specific Big Gulp like beverage up in front of her, then pulled it back. "Where's that DNA analysis I asked for?"

"Coming right up." She hit a few button, and pulled out a disk that she offered to Gibbs. "Now gimme." She took the soda greedily. She slurped.

"Abbey," Gibbs started. I've been really pleased with your work lately."

"Thanks, Boss." Abbey paused. "Oh, no, I know what that means. You want something, and it's gonna royally suck."

"I am so pleased with your work," he continued undaunted, "that I would like you to pass your infinite wisdom onto others. There's a lab attendant from Norfolk, she'll only be here for a week, and you said you needed some help in the lab."

"What's the catch, Gibbs? I know there is one!"

"No catch." He headed for the door. "Oh, and she needs to learn JavaScript."

"I totally hate you, Gibbs!" she called after him.

"I know." He was out the door.

She didn't say anything at first, and Abbey took a moment to get a first impression. The first work that came to mind was "businessy." _Was that a word?_ Abbey wondered. Either way, it's what she looked like. "Hi, I'm Abbey."

The woman smiled. "Eleanor." They shook hands. As soon as she moved, Abbey could see she was uncomfortable in her female monkey suit. She practically limped in her dress shoes. "You can take those off, if you want." Abbey gestured to the shoes.

"That's okay?" Eleanor asked, obviously thinking that was very weird. She relaxed a little, and put the shoes aside. "Yeah, I guess the dress code's kinda. . ." She looked over what Abbey was wearing, and her eyes seemed darker for a moment. Maybe I could wear my regular clothes tomorrow."

"Wear whatever you want. Gibbs doesn't care as long as you get the job done. Just so you know, there's a manwhore in the main office, so if your thing is skimpy, be on jerk alert. And if you need her to, Cate can beat him up for you."

Eleanor frowned, thinking. "Cate, pretty lady, brown hair, complaining about some idiot going through her drawers?"

Abbey threw a sly grin. "I'll bet he was. Yeah, that's Cate."

They looked around for a moment, not really having anything to say. After a bit of this, Eleanor broke the silence.

"I saw a lion and a man without a head!"

"What?" Abbey wanted to know.

The perkiness was gone from Eleanor's face. She looked almost regretful. "Sorry, I do that. It was too quiet, so I just decided to say something. . . well, stupid."

Abbey grinned and nodded. "Cool. _13 Ghosts_ old school, me likie. William Castle is a god."

The ice was not only broken, it was melted and nonexistent.

"No way, you too? I wish I'd been around for _The Tingler. _Electrocuting the audience. It's brilliant. What a great date movie!"

"Definitely. And Vincent Price. What a babe."

"Not my type," Eleanor said simply. "But I can see what you mean."

Abbey nodded. "Gorgeous, but not exactly my type either." She tried to explain. "He's just not-"

They were interrupted by a new voice. "Hi!"

The man reminded Eleanor vaguely of a golden retriever. She stepped back hurriedly out of the way of Abbey, who was skipping violently in the direction of the new guy. "McGee!" She wrapped her arms around his neck.

He grinned. "Geeze, Abbey, you're choking me."

She loosened her grip. "Glad to see you too," she said, feigning meanness.

"I saw you yesterday, Abbs!"

"I know," Abbey whined. "But the lab's been really boring since you've been in the field. It's just so. . ." She searched for the word.

"Hinky?" McGee offered.

"Ah, you know me so well. Exactly the word."

Eleanor attempted to reenter the conversation. "Hi, you must be Neandraboy. I'm Eleanor."

McGee looked at Abbey with, if possible, even more of a puppy dog look. "What did I do now?"

"Oh, nothing," Abbey cooed. "Gibbs was just teasing me, that's all. I haven't called you Neandraboy since that last time."

"Sorry, I didn't mean anything," Eleanor said.

"It's all right," Abbey assured her. "This is nothing compared to what goes on around here sometimes." She poked Eleanor in the ribs and in a lower voice said, "If you really wanna have some fun, go upstairs and tell Cate you saw Tony looking through her desk."

"That's terrible!" Eleanor said.

"No, no. For one thing, it doesn't matter if you saw him or not, you can be sure he was, and then they get into this whole tiff, it's great. If you're lucky, you get a food fight."

"Don't you guys get in trouble?"

She laughed. "From Gibbs? Please! Who do you think provokes them?"

McGee wedged his way into the conversation. "What's going on?"

"Her Great Abbeyness was just telling me about the exploits of coworkers."

"Her what?" McGee wondered.

"You know, Her Great Abbeyness, The Queen of Abbeydom. Just like I'm the Goddess of Eleanority."

Abbey understood completely. "Hey, why do you get to be a goddess and I only get to be a queen?"

"'Cause I made it up, that's why," Eleanor insisted.

"I don't get it," McGee said.

Abbey turned back to him. "You can be the King of Timony!"

"I'll just stick with McGee, thanks. Ow!" He reacted to a whack over the head.

"Don't you mean 'Probie'? DiNozzo strolled in.

Abbey stuck a finger in his face. "_Don't_ do that in my lab! While he's in here, McGee outranks you."

Tony grinned. "How do you figure?"

"Because I say so, and I'm Gibbs favorite." She flashed a grin.

Tony turned to the new girl. "Hello, I haven't met you. I'm Tony DiNozzo."

"Eleanor." They shook.

"That is such a beautiful name. My intuition tells me you're a Pisces, am I right?"

She held her ground. "My intuition tells me you're the manwhore Abbey warned me about." Abbey and McGee giggled.

Tony scowled. "Thanks, Abbey, you ruined my chance."

"Don't feel bad," Eleanor reassured him. "You never had any semblance of a chance anyway." She changed the subject politely. "Too quiet in here. Mind if I put on a CD?"

"Go for it," Abbey said, lamely wondering what musical experience she might be in store for. Not many went for her taste.

"I hope you don't hate it," Eleanor offered, confirming her fears. Abbey's hands flew to her ears. "Oh, sorry, too loud. First track is Rob Zombie, I always forget."

Abbey grinned. "What is it?"

"_Bride of Chucky_ soundtrack."

"Come on, let's get to that Java. DiNozzo, take whatever you came for, and get outta here. McGee, stay, if you can." Abbey tried not to sound too pathetic.

He looked awkward. "Well, you're busy; I don't want to get in the way."

"No, you're fine, really, stay.

"I don't mind," Eleanor offered. Her voice was friendly. "I'd like having you around. You've got a fun personality." McGee seemed pleased with this.

Abbey's jaw set, and her eyes narrowed just a little. "Maybe you should see if Gibbs needs you for something."

McGee was a little confused. He'd only seen so annoyed a couple of times, at least, only a couple of times that he didn't know he deserved it. That friend of his had been over from Norfolk, only some friend, she was a murderer. And then. . . he didn't like thinking about Erin. It still hurt. He was goofing off when he should have been working, and that annoyed her. He couldn't see what it was now.

I don't know why, it's obvious to the rest of us! Hope you enjoyed. PLEASE review! Reviews are my lifeblood! If I don't get any reviews it's just. . . HINKY! So please tell me if you like, give suggestions, let me know if someone seems out of character, and tell me what you want more of. I'm not done writing, so this is an interactive story, folks. At least let me know if you think I should continue. Luv, LMR


	2. Snugglebunnies with Fangs

Probie's Coffin

By LMR

Chapter 2: Snugglebunnies with Fangs

A.N.: Wow, I was really thrilled with the responses, keep them coming. A few things. Okay, goofy me, I thought since her name was Caitlyn it would also be Cate. Okay, go fig, English is weird. Since it seems to drive everybody nuts, I'll go with Kate. And yes, I suppose the lack of McAbby fics (sounds like a fast food item) is largely because everybody knows they're "playing house" anyway. Obvious, but not enough for me! I especially feel kinda threatened on that front as it seems they (the writers) are up to something with Jimmy (just a hunch). Me no likie that. I would also like to issue a formal apology to Erin from last week's episode: You were a very nice character, and when McGee first looked at you and I said, "Oh, she SO needs to die!" I didn't really mean it. . . much. Abby didn't mean to kill you with those poison arrows she was looking at you with, either.

Disclaimer: Hi, ho, Kermit the _frog_ here! LMR has asked me to do the disclaimer for this chapter, which makes sense, seeing as myself and Miss Piggy are passing the torch to these characters for the, uh, distinguished title of weirdest couple on TV. LMR wants to, uh, let everyone know that she doesn't own NCIS or anything related to it, except for Eleanor, so, without further ado, here is Probie's Coffin chapter 2, Snugglebunnies with Fangs. Gee, I, uh, wonder if there's anything on this cockamamie site about me. (Gulp).

Snugglebunnies with Fangs

Eleanor breezed through the main office, able to walk easily today with loose blue jeans and an Alf tee-shirt, not to mention much more forgiving shoes. She was almost to the door of the stairwell that would take her down to the lab, when she heard a loud voice and stopped short.

"Tony!"

Eleanor popped her head back into the room, intrigued. Definitely not a normal office.

"Where did you put my day planner, you little toad?" Kate raged, fumbling through her desk drawers. (My apologies to Kermit. It has been a delight and a pleasure to work with you, my little green friend.)

Tony looked at her calmly, eyebrows raised. "Day planner?"

Hmm. Maybe Abby hadn't been exaggerating. Eleanor wondered vaguely what a carrot was doing on the carpet next to her shoe. Somebody must have dropped it, they couldn't have really-" Her thoughts were interrupted by Gibbs.

"Eleanor." He paused to look at the wardrobe, from the crystal around her neck coiled in metal to the rainbow wristband. "_Now_ you look like somebody who works here."

"Casual?"

"Mental case." But he didn't seem the slightest bit disturbed by the thought, so Eleanor decided not to push it. "You going to the lab?" Eleanor nodded. "Good, go down to autopsy in the basement, get the file on the Danielowski case from Ducky, and bring it up to Abbs when you go."

"Ducky? Um, no problem."

She turned back to the melee. "Kate, I think he's sitting on it." She had, in truth, no reason to suspect for a moment that he was, but she supposed that it would make for a good spectacle. She supposed correctly.

"Stand up!"

"Don't wanna, I'm comfy."

"Tony, stand up!"

He grinned. "Make me!"

"Gibbs!"

"Kate, I can't make him stand up. You don't have probable cause."

"He's Tony. Isn't that cause enough?" Tony stuck out his tongue. "I can't believe you, you are such a baby. Gibbs, permission to use force?"

"Permission denied, Todd. Now I'm going to the bathroom, I will be in there for five minutes and I can't hear or see anything from there." He smiled. "Have fun." He winked at Kate on the way out. As soon as Gibbs was in the bathroom door, Kate dived.

"Hey!" Tony was caught completely off guard, not expecting her to just grab for it blindly.

"You little ratfink, you _were_ sitting on it!" Kate sounded a little too surprised about that.

Tony was annoyed. "Well, if you didn't believe her, why. . ." He shook his head and went back to his computer, muttering something about not even that time of the-ow!"

Kate smacked him with the planner before he could even finish his pejorative. Eleanor waved sweetly and headed for autopsy.

In the cold white room were two men, one, Jimmy, whom Eleanor had met briefly before, and an older man who reminded her of Yoda.

"You know, the word autopsy actually comes from the Greek _autopsia_, meaning seeing with one's own eyes." He was explaining this to the younger man as he pulled out and set aside an eyeball. The idea behind it was that the victim could give an eyewitness account of his or her own death."

Jimmy looked terribly uninterested. Eleanor cleared her throat. "Oh, hello, Miss, my apologies. I didn't see you there."

"Ducky?" She ventured a guess, hoping she didn't sound rude.

"Yes, indeed, and you are?"

"Eleanor. I'm assisting Abby for the week, from Norfolk. Gibbs requested the Danielowski file for her."

"Oh, yes certainly. Just let me clean up here. Oh, dear. I hope you don't mind the gore, Eleanor." He washed his hands.

"Not to worry. I'm fine. Poor girl." She looked at the corpse on the table. There were long slashes on her body. "Who did this to her?"

Ducky's eyes betrayed the effect his work had on him. "I'm afraid she did. She cut her wrists, but that seems to have been somewhat of an afterthought. She was found in a tub. It seems she cut away at her stomach, legs, and breasts before trying to bleed herself out. I don't know what she could have been feeling."

"She's beautiful," Eleanor said sadly. It was familiar. "Had she had any plastic surgery?"

Ducky seemed interested. Eleanor didn't seem the type to bring up plastic surgery without a reason. "Quite a bit, according to her medical file. Rhinoplasty, breast augmentation, liposuction. Sixteen, total. Poor thing."

Eleanor whispered, not sure whether or not to give her instinct voice.

"What was that, dear?"

"Dysmorphia," she said, a little bolder. "She felt like her body was an enemy. She had to control it."

"Astute, Miss Eleanor. And quite possibly right. Certainly something to consider in my report. Thank you. Incidentally, how did you. . ."

"Abnormal psych. If the university offers a class about me, I have to take it." She smiled a bit. Ducky handed her the report. "Thanks. It was nice to meet you, Ducky." And why do they call. . .never mind."

"Jimmy spoke up for the first time. "Going to the lab?" Eleanor nodded. "I'll come with you." He deferred to the doctor, if that's all right with you, Dr. Mallard."

"Go ahead."

Jimmy followed her down the hallway, like an excited puppy. Not quite up to golden retriever standards. More like a dinky little pillow fluff dog. "That was really neat!" He forced his face into solemnity. "I mean, it's terrible, but that was smart."

"Not that impressive," Eleanor admitted. "I did take abnormal psych, and I learned a lot, but I remembered that because I saw it in a movie." They entered the lab.

"Hey, Abbs!" Eleanor was already comfortable enough to call her by her nickname.

"Hey, much better threads! You got the Danielowski file?" She asked when she saw Jimmy. She could tell he had just come from autopsy.

"Yup." Eleanor handed it over.

"Bring any good music for today?"

Eleanor shrugged. "I got some Britney Spears." She kept a completely straight face. Abby looked at her with a mix of contempt and disbelief. "Kidding!" Eleanor said, as if it should be obvious. "You like Poe?"

Abby grinned. "Okay, blast the angry chick rock!" Jimmy decided this was a good time to leave the lab, and never come back. Ever. (That was for me.) ;)

They worked on Java, and talked about random nonsense in between the times Eleanor wasn't going crazy trying to remember to put in every single semicolon.

"Oh, by the way, nice work with the planner. How'd you know?"

"I didn't. Thought she'd like to goose him, so why not give her an excuse?"

"Excellent," Abby chuckled.

"But how did you-"

"Vent," Abby pointed. "I can hear pretty much everything from down here." She grinned wickedly.

"I wonder if we could feed them subliminal messages through there, and make them our servants!" Eleanor said in a silly tone.

"Absolutely. Why do you think I'm Gibbs's favorite?"

"'Cause you're cute?" Eleanor pondered.

"Ewww. Hinky. Nothing like that."

"No, not like _that_. Sweet cute, adorable cute." She squeezed Abby's cheeks. "Like you're a little kitten that always gets your way because nobody can say no to you." She made a pouty face. Abby laughed.

"I was so wrong about you. When you first walked in, I thought you were such a total dweeb!" Eleanor put her hands on her hips like an annoyed child. "What? I said I was _wrong_. But you're all over the board. You're like. . ."

"Fluff-Goth," Eleanor finished for her.

"Fluff-Goth?"

Eleanor nodded and explained. When I was a teenager, I thought I was kind of Goth, and I really liked all kinds Goth stuff, but it just didn't really categorize me properly. Because I'm also the exact opposite. I'm a romantic, and I like acting like a five year old, and I'm even. . ." She said the word as if it were dangerous. "Perky. So I decided I was a Fluff-Goth. I explain it like I like happy little adorable snugglebunnies. . . with fangs." Abby nodded knowingly.

"That makes sense."

"Wow. Most people just stare blankly and say I have issues!"

"Well, we'll just both have issues together, then," Abby grinned.

There was an awkward silence for a moment.

"Hey, Abbs, I- oh, hi Eleanor." McGee stood in the doorway, as if he expected someone to invite him in.

Abby stared at him, wondering why he was just standing there like a doofus. "What is it McGee?"  
"I'm on lunch. I thought you might like to come."

She popped up off her seat. "Sounds great. You wanna come, Eleanor?"

"Sure thing." They grabbed hands and skipped toward the door with McGee following in a stupor.

Oh, dear. That can't be good for Probie! Hmm. Much weirdness happening. Please review and tell me what you think. Go ahead and make suggestions about where you want the story to go. Luv, LMR


	3. Over Lunch

Probie's Coffin

Chapter 3: Over Lunch

A/N: Thank you so much for the reviews, I really appreciate it! And Meg, I'm not sure I believe you about that romantic stuff! Would you still be reading if you weren't? ;) It's nice to know there are other Fluff-Goths out there. Luv you guys!

Spoilers: Witness.

Disclaimer: There would be a disclaimer here telling all of you that I don't own anything, except that Gibbs's rule #357 specifically forbids disclaimers, and he scares me.

"OMG, Abbs, you're putting me on." Eleanor turned to McGee. "Is she putting me on? Chucking carrots?"

"And peanuts," Abby reminded her.

Eleanor burst into a new fit of giggles. "Of course. Gotta have those proteins!"

McGee could possibly have looked more pathetic, but not easily. He was bored, he thought Eleanor and Abby were acting ridiculous, and he was getting a knot in his gut watching them.

Abby interrupted his thought. "You were there, tell her!"

"Yup, it's true," he said unenthusiastically.

"Why didn't you join in?" Eleanor wanted to know. McGee squirmed.

Abby dived in before he had to answer. "Flirting is for two. Three's a crowd. Well, I know this one couple, but they're kinda weird. . . anyway." Fortunately, Eleanor was the type to be distracted easily. "What about _Susperia_?"

Eleanor took the bait easily. "I've been dying to seen that since last October. It was on the list of scariest ever, but I haven't been able to find a copy. It's almost enough to make me wish for a remake."

Abby hissed and made a cross with her fingers, making McGee jump. "Back, evil one!"

Eleanor took a moment to examine Abby. "Somehow, I feel I should take that as a complement."

Abby grinned, but quickly got back to the point. "Remakes suck!"

Eleanor took a bite and hurried to defend her position. Normally, yes, but I think this could work, especially since it's foreign and normal people have never heard of it."

Abby backed up from her a little. "Somehow, I think I should take that as a complement."

"Yup. I'm thinking Tim Burton directing with Neve Campbell. Now tell me that wouldn't rock."

Abby pondered. "You know, you might have something there."

McGee cleared his throat. "Um, I don't want to break up this happy chat, but it's about time to get back." He _did_, in fact want to break up the chat. It was annoying him, and his stomach was feeling worse. He tried to remember how much coffee he'd had that morning. It didn't usually affect him that way. The three fussed, getting all their things together. Eleanor searched herself for something.

"Oh, I'm so ditsy. I left my mug. Right back." She darted back to the table. McGee seized the opportunity. "Hey, thanks for the save back there. I didn't really wanna. . . um."

Abby smiled solemnly. "I know." She put her head on his shoulder as an act of comfort, but Abby wasn't feeling comfortable at all. When Gibbs had given her the news that Erin had died on McGee's watch, her first feeling was a rush of sympathy for McGee. She knew he would feel guilty, and just downright lousy. Her next feeling, not seconds later, was a punch in the gut; the thought that earlier in the lab, her last thought of Erin had been _Drop dead_. She knew it was just an expression, but-"

"Are we ready to go?" Eleanor asked. Abby snapped out of it.

"Yeah." She grabbed Eleanor's hand, and the two started skipping. "Come on, skip McGee. You're happier skipping than walking!" Abby encouraged. "Skip with us!"

"Um, I really don't. . ."

Abby grabbed his hand. "Come on! This thing about men skipping is such a pathetic sanction! Nobody's gonna think you're gay. You're with two drop dead gorgeous women. What they're gonna think is that you're really lucky." She lowered her voice to mock sultry.

McGee looked at the ground, having difficulty looking at her.

Abby took this as a rejection. "Your loss."

Hmm. This little Fluff-Goth is getting a little too close for comfort if you ask me! This could be trouble. Of course, it's trouble. Would it be fanfic if it weren't? Please review, I'll love you forever! And if Tim and Neve are reading this, I really think you should!


	4. Not Really a Thingy

Probie's Coffin

Chappie 4: Not Really a Thingy

Disclaimer: Did you know that the first known form of the word "disclaim" was recorded in 1434 in relation to the Anglo and French words "disavowal" and "denial", but the word "disclaimer" itself was not recorded until 1790. Of course, there was no fanfiction then, that we know of, at least. Although-

Ducky! Stop it! I'll do my own disclaimer!

I disclaim. Thank you.

A/N: This won't come up till later, but because this is my fanfiction, and I was never very good in physical science, so we are going to temporarily suspend the laws of physics (pesky things), and make Nebraska (Ber-wyn, no Nebraska) fairly near Norfolk. Deal.

Another: A/N: I am totally lovin' these reviews! Thank you so much. I especially want to thank any GAbby 'shippers who are (miraculously) still reading, for your consideration. Thanks, guys! Jenn( ), I didn't totally understand what you meant about Tony, but I appreciated your review (us McAbby 'shippers gotta stick together!), but I would love to hear more about what you think Tony should do. Please review some more; that goes for all of you!

Spoilers: Witness, Doppelganger

Chapter 4: Not Really a Thingy

"You forgot the semicolon."

Eleanor glared. "If I ever see another semicolon for the rest of my life, I am going to break it, smash it into little pieces and kill it."

"Yeah, well, I'll let you know if I see any up and running around the office," Abby told her.

Gibbs strode in. "Abby, where's that file?"

"There's one now," Abby said.

Gibbs ignored the girls' laughter. "The file?"

"All done." Abby handed him the file Eleanor had taken from autopsy earlier. (In case anyone is trying to string a plot out of this file, you can stop wasting your time; it exists exclusively as an excuse to get people to move where I want them. ;P )

"Heard you were pretty sharp in autopsy, Eleanor."

"Um, thank you, sir."

Abby looked surprised. As soon as he left, she raised an eyebrow. "Wow. It's tough to squeeze a complement out of him. Good job."

"What? I didn't do anything!" This voice was coming from the vent, filtering in through the office upstairs. The two girls exchanged glances.

"You, know, Eleanor, I think it's about time for our lunch break."

"I do believe you're right. Shall we see if we can get our meal with a show- I mean, if your esteemed colleagues would like to join us?"

"Absolutely. Oh, but they don't know about the vent. Hushy!"

"My lips are sealed," Eleanor promised. "They're also dry. Do you have any gloss?"

"Only in black. You're welcome to it."

"Hmm. I would, but I don't like licorice. Only flavor the stupid stuff comes in. That's why I don't have any." They headed for the elevator.

When they got to the office, Abby and Eleanor were surprised to find a fight going on.

"It's because women are the gentler sex. They're more subtle." Tony was explaining, although they both got the impression this was much more an act of baiting than an expression of opinion.

"Ha, ha, that's a good one, Tony. How's that bruise on your solar plexus?"

"Help me out, Probie. If a woman asks a guy what he does for a living, she's checking him out, right? Testing the prospects?"

McGee looked distraught at having to answer this question.

"Or maybe she's just having a conversation?" Kate suggested. "That's something two people do when they're not having sex. But I guess you wouldn't know about that." They both looked to McGee to support them.

"Yeah, what do you think?" Abby asked. If McGee looked unsettled before, he looked downright petrified now. Abby smirked.

"I am not going to answer that, seeing as I'm not feeling particularly suicidal today."

"We're going to lunch. Anybody want to join us?" Tony was on his feet immediately.

"Definitely, ladies. So, Eleanor, do you like Italian food? You know, I can cook a manicotti-"

"I think I better come too," Kate announced. "You might need an extra stick to beat him off with."

"Don't pay any attention to her, Eleanor, she's just-"

"Jealous," All the women finished for him.

Halfway through their meal, Abby and Eleanor got up to go the restroom. This lunch was the first time the two had spent any time with Eleanor. They looked at each other in puzzlement.

"Okay, meeting another one of you was stomach turning. _This_ is just scary." She paused. "Poor McGee's head must be reeling."

Tony laughed. "I don't think McGee's getting anywhere with her."

"What do you mean?"

Tony took the opportunity to poke around before actually telling Kate anything. He liked knowing things she didn't. "Well, you saw the way she acts around me."

"With complete loathing tempered only by compassion for dumb animals?" Kate tried.

"Ah, there's that wit!" His face snapped back to serious. "No. She acts so . . . neutral around me." He leaned in to explain it, gesturing. "See, I have an effect on women."

Kate nearly let loose with a howl of laughter.

"Pupils dilate, heart rate increases, blood rushes to the face and. . . well, you get the picture. You know, you're a detective, you should notice these things."

"Oh, please! What you're seeing, Tony, is called the gag reflex. It comes into play as soon as you open your mouth."

"Oh, thank you for reminding me. My mouth. Women can't stop looking at it."

Kate started laughing all over again. "You know, you should tell Ducky about these hallucinations, you might have some kind of head injury or something."

"_Most_ women," he finished. "Eleanor, zip. She's not into guys."

Kate was taken aback. "What, any girl who isn't attracted to you is, what, gay! Tony, you're nuts!"

"See, even you're thinking about them." He grinned.

Kate scowled. "You're disgusting, you know that?" She took a sip of coffee, then brought up an argument. "What about me?"

"What about you?" he asked.

"I'm not attracted to you." She stared him down. "Do you think I'm gay?"

"No." He paused for effect. "I think you're defective. Ow! Kate! A French fry is not a weapon!"

"Abby, I have to rethink my original opinion," Eleanor was standing beside the table, back from the restroom, Abby beside her. "You are _not_ the weirdest person who works here."

"Am, too," Abby pouted. They sat down.

"Okay, okay," Eleanor acted as if someone were twisting her arm. "You're the weirdest."

Abby perked up immediately and hugged her. Tony threw an "I told you so," glance at Kate, who threw back a "That doesn't mean anything," glance.

Oblivious to the conversation on the other side of the table, Eleanor pulled Abby's pigtail out of the way and looked at the spider web on her neck. "Nifty. I've thought about getting a rainbow triangle thingy, but I don't know where to put it."

Tony raised his eyebrows at Kate.

"Well, if you've never done it before, you want someplace soft, like here," Abby pointed to her forearm, so the needles won't be up against bone."

Eleanor paled. "I think I'll stick with jewelry to decorate myself."

Abby shrugged. As they all headed back to the office, Tony trailed behind the two to talk to Kate. "Told you."

"So what? You can't tell just because she didn't react to _you_."

"Whatever," Tony replied, obviously not believing her. He smiled wickedly. "Think Abby knows?"

"She's way ahead of you," Kate remarked.

Tony latched onto the gossip. "What? Did she say something to you?"

Kate feigned confusion. "Oh, you meant this? I just meant in general, and you know, on the evolutionary ladder."

The girls were having another conversation. "There's this place," said Eleanor, "That just opened up, kind of an arcade. I've been wanting to check it out, and tonight's all you can play for ten dollars. Wanna shoot some zombies or something?"

Abby smiled. "Sounds neat." She looked at the ground. "I should warn you, Gibbs has a million rules, that he'll, like, kill anyone who breaks them. And rule number twelve is that there can't be any interoffice . . . thingies."

"Oh."

Abby recovered quickly. "Well, it's all right. We're not, technically, coworkers, and it's not really a thingy. So we're good."

Eleanor smiled. "Okay."

This is a joke from Svengoolie. He's local to Chicago, so if you don't know about it, forget the Berwyn stuff!

Please review, I love you guys!

Next episode: Pretend It's a Semicolon!


	5. Pretend It's a Semicolon!

Probie's Coffin

By LMR

Chapter 5: Pretend It's a Semicolon!

A.N.: I really appreciate the reviews, guys! Thanks a lot. Luv to all the Fluff-Goths. And Megan, I won't tell. ;P I understand completely. I think if I ever let some people I know read this romantic drivel that I wrote, I would die of embarrassment!

Another A.N.: Bad news: Very short chapter. :( Good news: extremely bored yesterday, wrote two chapters. :)

Disclaimer: I, LMR do not own CBS, NCIS, McAbby, or CSI (which is not nearly, as cool, I mean, when was the last time Jorja Fox body slammed or threw food at a coworker, huh?). I don't own HQ, http, html, or C+ or any of that cockamamie stuff Abby and McGee talk about while I stare blankly. What would I do with so many F'ing letters, anyway! I would write stupid fanfic, that's what. So without further ado. . .

Chapter 5: Pretend It's a Semicolon!

"Hey, I died!" Abby slammed the start button. "I hate when that happens!" (No Shakespearean sex jokes, please, but a cookie to anybody who actually laughs at this parenthetical joke.) She didn't quit shooting for a moment. Eleanor blasted a rabid bat away from Abby's side of the screen. "Thanks."

"No problem. Too bad, though. I love bats."

"Yeah, me too."

"More than snugglebunnies?" Eleanor ventured. Today she was wearing an Emily the Strange shirt.

"Yup, I'm only a little bit with the snugglebunnies."

Eleanor frowned in concentration, wondering if she wanted to attempt to figure out more. Probing the topic, Eleanor felt as if she were poking something scary with a stick, hoping it wouldn't bite her head off. Not that Abbs was scary, much, but triangles were, and that was the topic she was curious about. "Your office is pretty great. I mean, I can't imagine if I went back to Norfolk and one of my coworkers just skipped up and hugged me."

"Well, I don't think of McGee as a coworker." Eleanor raised an eyebrow. Bingo. The big scary thing was awake. Time to see if it had teeth. "You guys are good friends?"

"Yup," Abby looked at her, knowing she was being poked. "Just good friends." Eleanor relaxed, knowing she wouldn't have that hanging over her head the rest of the night. What was better, Abby didn't seem to have minded that she wanted to know. This was good, from Eleanor's perspective.

Her attention refocused on the monsters. "Urg. I can't make this thing _die_!"

"Pretend it's a semicolon!"

Eleanor did, and it went down with several bullet holes. "Thanks! This reminds me of _Fun_." (Little known Indie film about deranged teenage girls.)

"Except for the killing little old ladies part," Abby added.

"Oh, darn. I ruined the surprise for our next date!" Eleanor acted serious.

Abby smiled, and lowered her gun. "That's awfully presumptuous, Eleanor."

"The word I had in mind was insane." Eleanor couldn't believe she'd been so up front. "So what do you say?"

"To killing little old ladies?"

"To a second date?" Eleanor laughed.

Abby thought about this for a moment. She hadn't been involved with anyone for a while. Not romantically, anyway. Eleanor wasn't exactly what she'd been hoping for, but experience (and older friends) had taught her that closing the door on any possibility, no matter how odd, wasn't a good idea. _Life is a series of well-planned accidents_, she reminded herself. "I think it sounds great."

Eleanor acted almost shy. "Cool. There's a place; it's a little out of the way . . . a lot out of the way. But I really think it would be worth it. This is the first time I've met somebody that I thought would really love it. If you have a day off, anytime soon, I mean, if you're feeling brave?"

Abby smiled. "Not brave. I trust you."

A cookie to the first person who can figure out where they're going (there are clues!)

Please review and give me fun ideas! Luv and snugglebunnies with fangs, LMR


	6. Confusing Conversations

Probie's Coffin

By LMR

Chappie 6: Confusing Conversations

Disclaimer: I believe in the holographic universe theory, which means that we are all, technically, one big thing, so I really do own NCIS, as I am one with the people who do. I don't think that will hold up in court.

McGee waited anxiously in the lab. Abby should be coming back from lunch in a few minutes. Eleanor was out to lunch with Ducky (hopefully not at his mother's house), and that meant McGee would get to talk to Abby alone. He hadn't for a while. He tapped his fingers on the desk, fidgety. Abby smiled as she walked in. "Hey, McGee. How are you?"

"Um, okay. You?" He hoped he didn't sound too nervous. "Um, Abbs, I wanted to ask you something."

She sensed that he was uneasy. "I have to look over the DNA for this file, but we can talk."

"I just kind of want your opinion. Do you think it's possible for somebody to go for a long time thinking that they're (the grammar geek in me just cringed), well, attracted to a . . . certain type of people, and then they find themselves attracted to somebody that isn't of that . . . um, type?" He couldn't bring himself to use any other word."

Abby raised her eyebrows, interested in where this was going. "You mean somebody totally unexpected? Somebody you'd never guess until you meet them?" She asked hopefully.

"Exactly," McGee jumped at the wording. "Do you think that happens?" He was back to sounding worried.

Abby smiled. "Yeah, definitely."

McGee looked downtrodden. "Oh."

"Hey, guys."

Abby turned, but didn't smile too much. "Hey, Eleanor."

McGee cleared his throat. "Hi. Um. I've got to go."

Eleanor stiffened as if she'd been hit by a cold front. She could guess why he was upset. Abby may think they were just friends, but McGee's face told another story. Eleanor knew she was an intruder here.

"Friday?" Abby said.

"Hmm?" Eleanor was distracted.

"My next day off," Abby told her. "Will that work?"

Eleanor smiled, "Yeah, sure."

Advice and comments please! Luv, LMR


	7. Creatures of the Night

Probie's Coffin

Chapter 7: Creatures of the Night

Disclaimer: "Hey, Kate, LMR owns NCIS!"

"Tony, you're an idiot! She does not!"

"Does, too!"

"Does not!"

"Does, too!"

"Does-"

Hey, guys! Shut up! Sorry, Tony, Kate's right. I don't. Now get a life!

A.N.: Once again I humbly thank you for such generous reviews! It looks as if my holographic universe theory is correct and the writers of the show are one with me! I write it, and sure enough, after McGee's macho hissyfit, it doesn't look like Jimmy is going anywhere near Abby anytime soon! Muahahahahaha! Naturally, I've been waiting for something like that to happen, so I missed the episode! D'oh! I'll catch it later, but anyway . . .

A.N. #2: Sorry, but "Nebraska" (though correct) is not a good enough answer to deserve a cookie. :( I was hoping somebody would guess the specific place. (Ber-wyn! Shut up, Sven!)

A.N. #3: Last one, I swear. This scene was originally going to be about Kate, but Jenn() gave me the idea to make a slight change. . . I like it this way. Thanks, Jenn().

A.N. #4: (I lied): Did anybody else totally HATE Tony last night (Conspiracy Theory)? I thought he went way too far.

Timing: This happens somewhere between Bikini Wax and travels into Conspiracy Theory. Spoilers for everything.

And finally, Walter, if you are reading this, I WILL turn you from a Kibbs 'shipper to a Tate 'shipper. Just. Like. That.

Chapter 7: Creatures of the Night

"Hey, Gibbs! I got that file you wanted." Abby called as she walked into the office.

"He's in the restroom, Abbs," Kate informed her. Abby looked between the two agents.

"What'd you do this time?" She asked Tony.

"Ha, ha," Tony responded flatly, not thinking about the fact that she hadn't been in the room for the goosing incident.

Abby turned to the newest agent. "Hey, McGee," she said tentatively. Since their talk the previous day, Abby wasn't sure what to think of the way he acted around her. For just one second, it had seemed he was going to say something really . . . well, say _something_, anyway. Then he's just dropped the topic like the ton of proverbial bricks. Stupid shyness. Stupid McGee.

"Hey." His eyes were focused securely on the floor.

Tony DiNozzo, Neanderthal, surveyed the scene. Somewhere in his primitive brain, it occurred to him that this situation _really sucked_. Abby, just by being Abby, would fix this stupid mess, but she needed a shove.

The kind only a Neanderthal can give.

He slipped into his most arrogant tone. "Hey, Probie. You look bummed. Why?" He made an attempt to sound concerned, but before a puzzled McGee could answer, Tony finished. "Oh, I forgot. You're you." He whacked him jovially over the head.

Kate scowled. Why did he have to be such a dick?

"Hey!" Abby reacted, going instantly into coddling mode. "Don't listen to him. He's just jealous because you have a functioning brain!" She put her hands on his face, glad to have an excuse to be affectionate. "You're perfect." She kissed his cheek. McGee smiled, happy puppy again.

After Abby had gone back to the lab, Tony patted McGee's shoulder and grinned. "You owe me, pal. Big time."

His intent dawned on Kate. She smiled. "Sometimes, Tony, I think you have a heart."

"High praise," he said with a grin. Kate put her head down and shuffled through her paperwork, as she turned a nice shade of pink. Stupid grin. Stupid Tony.

On Friday:

"Okay, Abbs," Eleanor said, opening the car door. "Get in fasten your seatbelt, and blast the slasher soundtracks!"

"Are you going to tell me where we're _going_ now?" Abby wondered.

"Nope. You'll see when we get there, now don't be so impatient." They had been driving for 45 minutes (Use your imagination here, folks), when Abby looked out the window to a sign that said "Welcome to Nebraska."

"Nebraska? What the hell?"

Eleanor laughed. "I wondered what kind of reaction that would get. Chill. I'm not kidnapping you. We'll be back in town later tonight. It's worth it."

"It better be." And it wasn't too long after that they pulled into the parking lot of the last place Abby would have expected.

"A zoo? You brought me to a zoo?" Abby's face registered puzzlement, but not distain at the location.

Eleanor looked nervous for a moment. Had she really blown it that bad? "Well, there's more, I mean. . ."

Abby hurried to correct her. "Hey, it's okay, it's really cool. But why Nebraska?"

The gleam returned to Eleanor's eyes. "It's not just _any_ zoo. I've been wanting to come here, but until now, I never met anyone who I thought would love it as much as I do. Come on, I'll show you!" She practically dragged Abby by the arm toward a gigantic dome. "Welcome to the world's _only_ day/night-reversed nocturnal habitat!"

Most people might have looked at Eleanor as if she were crazy. Abby grinned wide. "That is so gnarly!"

Once their eyes got used to the darkness, Abby and Eleanor excitedly filed through the exhibit. They couldn't believe how close they could get to the animals. They even walked right through a bat cave. "They're _so cute_!" Abby remarked.

"I know," Eleanor responded, as if thinking bats are cute isn't in the slightest unusual.

"Hey, that one reminds me of Tony!" Abby pointed.

"The dogface one over there?"

"Yeah, that one, but that's not what I mean! I mean, look at the way he keeps flying after that female. And that one. And that one." Eleanor was in stitches. "But dog fits, too," Abby agreed.

"No, he's not a dog, he's a tortoise," Eleanor told her.

"You lost me."

"I saw this show – a male tortoise will get a female to mate with him by annoying her until she gives in. He hangs around her, pokes at her. He probably says mean things about her, too."

"And goes through her garbage!"

Eleanor was transfixed by something else by now. "So _that's_ what a naked mole rat looks like. What a buff stud," she said, deadpan. The evening continued like this until they had gone through the bayou, the rainforest, and a few places neither one of them could pronounce. Finally, it was time to go, and they drove back to the scariest place on the planet.

Abby's apartment. It was already ten' o clock. As they walked up to the doorstep, Abby shrugged awkwardly. "You know, if you're too tired to drive back to Norfolk you can crash here."

A look of relief crossed Eleanor's face. "That'd be great. Do you have an extra bed?" she asked through a yawn.

"Well, no, just the cof- box sleeper sofa."

"You sure you don't mind?"

"It's no problem," Abby assured her. They entered the apartment. Eleanor didn't bat an eyelash at the decorations, most of which involved vampires. Most people freaked out.

"I've never slept in a 'box sleeper sofa' before.'" She made quotes with her hands, knowing what Abby meant.

"Surprisingly comfortable," Abby reassured her.

"Yay, slumber party!" But Eleanor abruptly frowned. "But you probably know all the good ghost stories already!"

"Yup. Try me anyway."

They settled in. "Okay, there was this little town with a creepy house. The townspeople said that every night, a head would fall down the chimney."

"And the dog said, '_lynchee, kinchee, collie, mollie, dingo, dingo_'," Abby finished.

"Well, it sound's stupid when you say it like _that_," Eleanor pointed out.

"I'm too tired, anyway, Eleanor, good night."

"Hmm, g'night, Abbs."

Eleanor was the first to wake in the morning. She fixed herself some coffee and helped herself to an hour of _Soul Edge 2_ on Abby's computer. She couldn't beat Abby's score, and could imagine why: Eleanor knew she wouldn't want to be one of those little dudes if Abby were angry with someone.

When Eleanor went to see if Abby was awake yet, she found her still sleeping peacefully, but stirring a bit. She was smiling.

"You talk in your sleep, Silly," she murmured.

Eleanor was truly incredulous. "No, I don't."

Abby jolted awake. "Hmm? Oh, Eleanor." She was surprised. "I thought . . . never mind." She frowned, getting out of the coffin. She took a fistful of Eleanor's shirt and smelled it ungracefully. "What's your sniff spray?"

Eleanor scrunched her eyebrows. "Bod blue. I know it's men's but it was on clearance and-"

Abby groaned. "I'm sorry. It's the same." As she let the sentence drift, she knew she was busted. "It's not like that. We've never . . ."

Eleanor smiled. "Don't worry about it." She looked down at the carpet. "Look, I'm not going to be here much longer, and I was thinking . . . these dates were really great, but I'm thinking the not really thingy thing isn't working out."

Abby nodded, somewhat relieved.

"Not to be totally cliché, Abbs, but we're so much alike, and you're so great . . . Can we be good friends?"

"Of course." Abby hugged her.

Sorry it took so long to post everybody, but I've been busy with school. BTW, I have to record NCIS cuz I have a night class right smack on top of it, but it's good cuz I used the pause the other day on our Ms. Cruitio's (sp) screen. I swear I am not making this up:

Name: Abby0016

Sex: When I feel like it

Preference: Human

Likes: Black stripes, red stripes, Ducks, my boss

Fetishes?????(Naturally this part was below the screen. Believe me, I tried. I like to think it said dorky little computer nerds!)

Luv, LMR


	8. Two Birds, One Stone, A Loon and A Duck!

Probie's Coffin Chapter 8: Two Birds, One Stone, A Loon, and A Duck!

Disclaimer: "OMG! Gibbs, you are never going to believe what I just found out! LMR do-"

"Doesn't own NCIS. I already know, Abby."

"I hate it when he does that!"

Spoilers: Too darn many to list!

Pairings: 100 Mcabby Tate for me!

Author's note: Sorry it's taken so long to update. A certain nitwit in Tim's T-shirt kinda screwed up my timeline! I wanted to see if they would deal with it this week, but since they didn't, I will (Muahahahahaha!) And yes, Theoretical, I think Sporks and cheeznips are the way to go, although I would mind seeing Abby use her as target practice with that paintball gun! SWAK was somewhat disappointing, really. I mean, didn't these guys ever watch the Nanny, when somebody's dying they're supposed to tell somebody they love them then take it back. Come on, oldest thing in the book and all we get is talk about Alien!

And after 'hometown hero' a big fat I TOLD YOU SO to certain members of my family whose initials are not M.O.M. who doubted my gaydar in the case of Abigail Scuito.

REALLY BIG AUTHOR'S NOTE: I think, my fanfic friends, we all know what

this sad note is about. After Twilight I played My Heart Will Go On on

my stereo for three hours in a row and cried. To add insult to injury,

the only copy of the song I have is the one sung by Sarah Brightman:

in ITALIAN! So needless to say that was a sobfest. But after

cursing the writers for two solid hours, I have come to the conclusion

that for me, no Tate, no show. I really don't want to watch any new

ones. . . however, I've started to cheer up. When I wrote one of my

first fanfictions, I wrote the disclaimer 'I didn't make the characters.

I just move their mouths and make them say happy things!' Well,

they gave us the stage and the puppets, and I'm a control freak, so on

the bright side, I'm no longer going to worry about making my stories

fit what the writers on the show do. So anyone sticking to the story-

line should probably stay away from my NCIS fics: in my world, the

series ended when Gibbs and Tony pulled Kate up off the ground and

joked about Pilates. I'll write some happy adventures for these nutbags

myself! In my world-KATE LIVES.

If we shadows have offended, think but this and all is mended: That you

have but slumber'd here while these visions did appear. And this weak

and idle theme, no more yeilding but a dream. William Shakespeare

and Dorothy Zbornack

Two Birds, One Stone, A Loon, and A Duck!

Tony answered McGee's phone despite (or probably because of) the fact that Tim was standing right there. "NCIS, Senior Agent Tony DiNozzo speaking." He winked at Kate. "Yes, Tim is right here." He held the phone just out of Tim's reach.

"Gimme," McGee hissed.

"May I ask who is calling?" he asked politely. "Okay, Dolores Posteur? One moment please."

Tim whacked his own head for a change. "Dolores, I completely forgot."

"Oh," Tony relayed into the phone. "It seems he completely-"

McGee wrestled the phone away from Tony. "Dolores, hi. Hey, I'm really sorry about the other day. I got called into work on an emergency, and I didn't want to wake you up." Kate and Tony exchanged glances. "And my idiot coworkers decided to break into my apartment." Said coworkers grinned. "Mm, I'd really like to tonight, but I've already made dinner plans with a coworker." He paused, then his face set into a tight frown, "No, not 'that Annie girl I always talk about' and her, never mind." Kate could have sworn she saw Gibbs smirk. "I'm going to dinner with Ducky." A pause. "He is the M.E. here." He paused, longer this time and Tony could tell from experience that he was getting chewed out. "Of course I want to. Why don't you come? Sure, it'll be fun. Ducky won't mind a bit. Okay, see you then." He smiled (but not too much.). "Bye."

"Oh, Tony, our little boy is growing up and noticing girls," Kate teased good naturedly.

"Good," Tony added. "Abby won't have to give back that toy she borrowed from your closet for the demonstration a couple weeks ago," Kate burst out laughing.

But Tim hadn't seen it. "What toy?"

"Good thing, too," he pointed out. "I think when she suffocated it she might have let some of the air out." Kate was trying now not to laugh. This was too cruel. Still, she had to admit that she'd been surprised that that particular joke hadn't occurred to him when they first saw it. He'd been too busy, she realized, reddening, imagining her junior spring break. (A.N.: I know, I'm fired.)

McGee was still confused, probably a good thing, as he might be a little taken aback by afore mentioned toy, which for the record, I am not claiming was borrowed out of his closet. He frowned. "I have to go talk to Ducky."

"There now, dear Sarah Mari, you can go back to your family first thing in the morning," Ducky was saying to a corpse as Tim walked in. McGee hated going to autopsy, despite the fact that Ducky was there.

"That's really sweet, Ducky," he waited until he was finished with the body before going into the room.

"Yes, Sarah here," he gestured to the mutilated body, "Will finally be at peace, and her tragic death was not in vain. Her family has won a settlement from the cosmetic surgery company that encouraged this to happen, and more importantly, they've improved their screening process, so poor souls like Miss Mari here will receive the psychological help that they need rather than be preyed upon by surgeons hoping to benefit from their distorted body image."

"Good job, Ducky."

"Oh, you can thank Eleanor. She pointed out the possibility of dysmorphia."

Tim didn't look so happy now. "Oh, her."

"Ducky noticed that something was wrong. "Don't you like Miss Eleanor?"

He shrugged. "She's okay, I guess."

"I must say I'm surprised. She and Abigail seem to be getting on famously."

"Yeah," he agreed, "Famously." He was pouting, and Ducky, sensing something, decided to change the topic.

"Incidentally, Timothy, what brings your to your least favorite place?"

"About tonight, I was wondering if I could bring a date? I kind of owe her."

"Oh, a lady friend, Timothy! How is that going?"

"Well, she's really pretty. And she likes me. She says she likes shy, quiet guys."

Ducky nodded. "How nice. By all means, bring her along."

Tim smiled. "Thanks." As he left, Jimmy very conveniently walked into the room.

"Mr. Palmer?"

"Yes, Doctor Mallard?"

"I wonder if you would be free for dinner tonight?"

"Well, yeah. Um, why?"

Ducky smiled. "Well you know I consider Miss Scuito a dear friend."

Jimmy brightened, hoping dinner would involve Abby. "Yeah?"

"I think I'm going to do a favor for her."

"Um. Okay."

"Is that gigolo coming?" Mrs. Mallard demanded.

Ducky rolled his eyes, fixing his tie. "No, Mother, and his name is Anthony. Tonight we are having dinner with Timothy McGee." He knew immediately after the words left his mouth that he shouldn't have said that.

"McGee?" she boomed. "That's an Irish name!" Oh, boy, here it comes. "He's a drunk!"

"No, Mother, Timothy is a very nice young man and I have never once seen him inebriated. We're also going with Mr. Palmer," he added hoping to distract her.

She rolled this name over in her mind, and finding nothing to pounce on, simply pursed her lips tightly and asked, "Why is he coming?"

"As a favor for Miss Sc- Abigail." He stopped himself just in time.

"Five, non-smoking, please," Ducky requested at the restaurant. "I hope it's all right with everyone that I've brought a guest. This is my mother, Mother, this is James, Timothy, and you, Miss?" he asked the girl, who was at this time, wearing clothes.

"Dolores Posteur," she introduced herself. She shook hands with everyone.

Ducky frowned in concentration. "Interestingly enough, if you translate, loosely of course those names into Spanish and French respectively, the origins- Ow! Mother!" He responded to a whack upside the head.

Jimmy turned her wrist to look at a silver charm on Dolores's bracelet. "Is that a walrus? (That's for you, Theoretical: you are the walrus!)"

She smiled. "Yeah, I did some volunteer work in marine rescue, they're my favorites."

"No kidding!" Jimmy was so excited he nearly tripped over his seat. "I started my major in marine biology before switching to premed!"

Dolores was animated. "Wow. I considered medicine, but it's all too much into computers. I really only like them for games." Tim looked like he was about to choke. "I think society's become too reliant on them." Now he was turning purple.

Ducky sensed that this was not going well, so after they ordered he quickly changed the subject. "It's a shame Caitlyn couldn't be here tonight; she's been looking down lately."

Mrs. Mallard perked up at the mention of another name. "Caitlyn? Have you been seeing a lady without telling me?"

"No, Mother," Ducky assured her. "Caitlyn is my coworker. You've met her; she's a very nice lady. There is absolutely nothing about her not to like."

Jimmy thought maybe Dr. Mallard needed help. "Yeah, really well behaved. Didn't she go to Catholic school?" Ducky winced.

"A Catholic school-girl!" she hissed. "She's a slut!" Ducky's head sank. "She's probably sleeping with that gigolo," she declared.

At this revelation, Dolores became intently aware of her shoes, the color of which Jimmy suddenly felt was the most interesting thing in the room to talk about. Tim, on the other hand, burst out laughing.

"Oh, please don't tell them that, Timothy," Ducky pleaded.

"Oh, come on, Ducky, I have to have a little fun at work!"

"Oh, if you must have fun at work why not go down to the lab to Abigail and play with your toys like you always do." McGee turned a color not unlike the small intestine Ducky had examined earlier that day. "That is, work on your computers, with our friend."

His pallor wasn't improving. "I need to go to the restroom, I'll be right back."

When he was gone, Ducky attempted to make polite conversation. "How long have you been seeing our Special Agent McGee?"

"Oh, only a couple of weeks."

Mrs. Mallard eyed her suspiciously. "What kind of name is Posteur?" (A.N.: A cookie to anyone who can tell me what the name means!)

"Excuse my mother, please; she's had a stroke." The others nodded obligingly.

Dolores occupied herself by doodling a sun on her napkin. Ducky sifted through his mind trying to think of a good topic. The girl with dysmorphia? Not at dinner. Eleanor? No use starting a fight, and he didn't even want to know what his mother would say about her. Good thing she had never met Abigail. He pushed aside the thought that it might be somewhat entertaining to introduce them, and began a conversation with Palmer.

"Do you know how Jethro is coming with his boat?"

Jimmy shrugged, glad for the casual conversation. "I really don't know much about what Gibbs does."

"I hear he's made some good progress," Ducky offered.

"Oh, well that's good," Dolores piped up.

"Not really, Miss Posteur, I'm sorry to say that only means Jethro's been frustrated. It's really a pity he can't have a hobby to indulge in when he's happy."

"It would never get done," McGee added jovially. Everyone who worked in the office laughed. McGee turned red again. "Am I going to get in trouble for that?" he wondered.

"I won't say a word, Timothy. I'm very good at keeping secrets. It reminds me of a secret I kept for a friend in Japan. You see, he was an American chap. He was absolutely intrigued at the fact that there, melons are considered a delicacy. Not exactly a local crop, you know. Well, they're especially valuable when grown in unusual shapes, squares and such. They grow them in a mold. Not as in penicillin, mind you, like jell-o. Well, my friend, an American, good chap, mind you, but terrible with currency. Interesting word currency, it literally means, to flow, as money is what's thought to make commerce and in turn, civilization flow. Rather sad, really. Point being, this fellow was dreadful at even changing American dollars to pounds, let alone yen, so he paid what he believed was a few reasonable dollars for this molded melon. Keep in mind it was just a square melon, no penicillin involved. Well, sure enough we get to the currency exchange, and my dear friend realizes he's paid the equivalent of about one hundred dollars for the square melon! So embarrassed he swore me to secrecy. Now, um, what was I saying?"

Tim smiled. "You were talking about how good you are at keeping secrets," he reminded Ducky.

"Oh, yes, of course. Well, certainly you should know that, Timothy. I never did tell a soul about that poison ivy, not even Abigail." Tim blushed and Jimmy laughed a little.

McGee leaned toward Dolores. "He's a little silly, but very intelligent."

She nodded. "I can tell. I like him, he reminds me of Professor Dumbledore."

"Who?" Tim wondered.

Jimmy became interested again. "Hey, you're right. You're a Harry Potter fan?"

"Definitely!" (A/N: Oh, no, I'm starting to like her! Well, I like her just fine as long as she stays away from "MyGee.") "I can't wait for Half-Blood Prince! I'm going to a release party, and I wanted Tim to come with me, but he thinks it's goofy."

"I think it sounds like fun!" Jimmy said interested.

"It's ridiculous," McGee asserted.

"Oh, that's nothing," Dolores pointed out. "What I really don't get is those weirdoes who dress up all crazy and go to parties and role play where they masquerade around as vamp-"

At this point Jimmy, who wasn't all that crazy about McGee, but knew impending disaster when he saw it, took the opportunity to spill his water everywhere. "Oh, I'm am so sorry about that. Oh, Dolores, it got on your nice skirt, I'm sorry."

"No worries, it's just water. I could go for dessert." The others agreed, and all talk of masquerade parties was forgotten.

As they left the restaurant that evening, Dolores and Jimmy were chatting happily, and Ducky was fervently trying to convince his mother that the gigolo and the slut were not having an affair. He didn't even try to convince her that she shouldn't call them that - half of it was true, and he knew she would forget by the next time she ever saw them. But he clarified over and over that there was nothing going on between them. (Again, he was not entirely convinced of this.) He did this not because he really cared what his mother thought about the situation, but because it seemed to amuse McGee, who was looking rather dejected at having essentially lost his date to Palmer.

But there was something nagging at McGee that he couldn't explain. Along with the annoyance, he felt some semblance of relief. Not that there was anything about Dolores, really, but seeing Palmer so stricken with her felt like a weight off his shoulders. Strange. As Ducky pulled up to McGee's apartment to let him out, Dolores gave him a questioning look. Should I come in? she was wondering.

"I've got some stuff I have to take care of tonight. I'll see you later." He said goodbye to everyone, and went immediately to Google, where he spent a great deal of his free time. Not sure why he did, he typed in "chi," and spent the night studying.

Funny how a T rated story can make us all think such M thoughts! ;P


	9. So Much Alike

Probie's Coffin

Chapter 10: So Much Alike

Disclaimer: Disclaimer! Disclaimer! We don't need no stinkin' disclaimers!

A/N: Again sorry about the delay. This is another chappie that I have written and managed to lose both the handwritten copy, and the computer copy. So here's my attempt to recreate chappie 10, So Much Alike.

It was Eleanor's last day at the office, and hence her last day to learn Javascript, which is evil. As Abby went down to the lab, she could hear Eleanor's voice. "Yes, it's running it's running! Thank you, thank you, thank you!" Abby walked in just in time to see Eleanor throw her arms around McGee's neck and kiss him on the cheek.

"So much alike." Abby said flatly. "If you guys are gonna act like that, get out of my lab!"

Eleanor dragged Tim out, figuring it would be best to separate them until she relaxed. "Oh, no!" she moaned. "My timing is the worst! Sorry about that."

"_You're_ sorry? She's got some nerve!" Eleanor was flabergasted. "She's known you for one week, gone out with you twice, and she gets upset because I what- hug you? That's ridiculous."

"Did Tony whack you upside the head already today?" she wondered. "Because you're acting especially dopey."

"Well, excuse me, but everything was fine before, then you show up and she suddenly decides to go bisexual and -"

"She did not just 'go bisexual', just because you never noticed."

"I know she did, she said."

Eleanor furrowed her brow. That sounded like an oversimplification of the magnitude only a man can produce. "What exactly did she say? _Exactly_?"

"I asked if maybe she thought a person could like a person of one type and then out of nowhere fall for someone of a type they never expected and she said yes, and -"

Eleanor rolled her eyes. "You said 'type,' not 'gender'?" Eleanor laughed. "Now I get it. Okay, let me ask you something. Have you ever met somebody you never would have thought would be your type, and fell for them anyway?"

"Well, yeah, but-" he started without thinking. "But that's -" It was slowly but surely dawning on him. "That's. Oh. Oh!" A stupid grin spread across his face. "She thought I was talking about? And she meant?"

She nodded, laughing a little. Too cute for words, this guy.

"I'm gonna talk to her, wait here."

"Hey, Abby," she said tentatively, going into the lab. "We were just goofing around."

"Just tell me, did you say we couldn't go out because you like him?"

"Well, yeah, actually," she said assertively. Abby scowled. "Because I like him, and I want him to be happy. And you, too. Remember how I said there's somebody out there for everybody? Well, that's how I knew I'm not for you: because he is." She paused to let Abby think about what she was saying. Finally, Abby smiled. She hugged her.

"Thanks. Sorry I acted so stupid."

"I acting stupid were a crime, Abs. . ."

"Nobody we know could work for the government," Abby finished seriously. Eleanor nodded. She left the room, making a little thumbs up sign at McGee as she went upstairs.


	10. What Gibbs Can Do With Rule 12!

Probie's Coffin Chapter 11

By LMR

What Gibbs Can Do With Rule # 12

Disclaimer: Ownership is just a state of Mind. Unfortunately, the Governer of Mind has informed me that I do not, in fact own any property there, thus confirming what most who know me have long suspected: I don't have any Mind.

When McGee entered the lab the next day to deliver the Danielowski file (I promise, that's the last time I use that silly file to make them go everywhere!), he was feeling apprehensive. His talk with Eleanor had at once set him at ease and terrified him. How was that even possible? It was her last day here, and he wasn't sure what kind of mood Abby would be in. She started talking in the general direction of the door when she heard it open. "Hold your horses, Gibbs, I'll be finished in a minute." She peered for a moment more into her microscope, then turned to face McGee. She grinned. "Sorry, I assumed you must be Gibbs because you didn't knock."

"Sorry."

"No worries." She turned back to her work. "I'd rather see you anyway."

That made McGee stop in his tracks. "Really?"

"Well, duh, you don't yell at me."

"Oh," he sounded disappointed again.

She smiled. "And you're more fun," she assured him. "So how's your special agent training going, 'Probie'?" She asked playfully. The nickname sounded totally different when she said it than Tony.

"Well, I only had to redo my report once."

"Wow, that's really impressive." McGee could tell she meant it. "Has Gibbs made you memorize the 10 million rules by rote?"

McGee laughed a little. "Pretty much."

"Good." Abby started writing on a small piece of paper. Over her shoulder, McGee could see that it was a series of 1's and 0's. "Incidentally, Gibbs knows _zilch_ about binary."

"Yeah, I know," McGee said, puzzled. He looked again at the paper. 00110010 00110010. He started translating mentally.

"So, just for example, if Gibbs got a hold of, say, this," she held up the paper, "he would never know what's written on it. It's like a code." She handed the paper to him.

"Why would we want a code?"

She looked at him with the intense stare she tended to give, one that might scare someone who didn't know her. Knowing her personality, of course, it was more the glare or a stubborn five year old. "To break it," she said simply. She swiped the paper back and crumpled it up. She tossed it in the recycling bin in the corner.

"Well, you didn't need to do that. All it said was '12'."

She smiled a little and put her arms up over his shoulders. "Well I think twelve sucks."

Eleanor was spying from near the door. She glanced down at the bin where the 12 was crumpled and thrown away, and sincerely hoped that McGee understood, because if she had to spell it out, it would really loose it's dramatic punch. She looked back into the lab. Okay, then, he gets it, apparently. She snuck away, trying to stay quiet so they wouldn't know she was there.

R&R, and no, I haven't forgotten TATE! I shall be back! (Groan from audience).


	11. The Obligatory Tate Chapter

Probie's Coffin: Chapter 12

By LMR

Chapter 12: The Obligatory Tate Chapter (Tate 'shippers: Woo-hoo! Kibbs 'shippers: D'oh! Tate 'shippers: Ha, ha! McAbby 'shippers: Eat my shorts, man!)

"Oh, good, you're back, McGee." Kate looked up from her desk.

"Where's the boss?" McGee looked around.

"Downstairs with Ducky," Kate answered. "Probably learning the origins of the word 'boring.' Or in his case maybe 'anal retentive' and 'bossy'? Who knows?"

Tony looked right behind Kate. "Oh, hi, Boss."

Kate jumped and turned, panicked. Nobody there. "I hate you, Tony."

Tony grinned. "No you don't. I've got you and Gibbs both wrapped around my little finger."

Kate smiled. "Um, Tony," she pointed. "You might want to look behind you."

"Yeah, right, how dumb do you think I am?"

Kate took a sip of coffee and moved around her desk holding her mug.

"Pretty," Gibbs answered from behind Tony. Tony winced.

Kate turned to make fun of Tony while she was walking, holding her mug out in front of her, but before she could get a word out, she slammed head on into McGee. McGee wasn't looking her way; Gibbs was approaching him.

Kate's coffee soaked McGee's collar. "Oh, I am so sorry, McGee. You're going to have to wash that off."

"Oh, it can wait."

Kate poked him. "No. I think you better go wash it off _right away_." She was giving him a funny look.

"Um, okay."

"McGee," Gibbs called.

"Um, just a minute, okay, Boss? I'm gonna go wash this off." He headed to the restroom.

"Fine."

McGee shook his head. So what if he had coffee on his shirt? He got to the sink and examined his collar. Not much coffee, really, and then there was that black smudge. . . oh. Thank you, Kate!

"Alas, it is time for me to take my leave," Eleanor said sadly and a little too dramatically to the agents at their desks.

"That's too bad," Kate said sincerely. "I was starting to get attached to you. I guess I thought you'd be here forever."

Tony looked glumly at nothing out across his desk. "In this job, you can't get attached to anyone."

Kate looked at him puzzled. "Are you okay, Tony?"

He looked uncharacteristically serious. "I don't know." He looked at Eleanor, she seemed the type. "Do you believe in clairevoyance?" he asked quietly. She nodded solemnly. "Something's happening. Not here. But somewhere, I'm dying. Not me, really. A shadow of me. I've never felt like this before, but it's as if something is throwing a light on my life, projecting it on a screen somewhere, and something's gone horribly wrong. Something that's not happening here. This shadow of me. . . it's suffering." He felt comfortable talking to Eleanor because she would be leaving. "It doesn't know that it's just a shadow. It thinks the world is really ending, and doesn't realize that he's just an illusion."

"Don't mourn a shadow, Tony. _This _is the reality that's been dealt to you." She looked around to make her point. "It's beautiful. Live it." She smiled and hugged him. "I'll miss you. And stop hitting McGee!"

She moved to Kate. "Take care. Email me, okay?" She turned to Gibbs. "Bye!"

"Leaving already? And you were just starting to fit in," he grumbled.

"Gee thanks." She started a little sing-song. "We accept her, we accept her-"

Abby had come upstairs and helped her finish. "Gooble, garble one of us!" They laughed while the others looked confused. As soon as McGee came out of the restroom (sans lipstick), she hurried to him to say goodbye.

"Bye, McGee. I've loved being here. And I just have to tell you, not to be rude, but you're an inspiration to geeks everywhere." She kissed his cheek. She hugged Abby.

"Email me. And we'll get together to see the next Dark Castle movie, okay?

Abby nodded vigorously.

As Eleanor passed Kate's desk, she noticed a book plainly marked "Journal." "Kate," she hissed, "You know better, he'll see it!"

"Oh, thanks, I write in that every day, and if he ever got a hold of it, I can't imagine the ammo he would have!"

"Wow. Every day. How long have you been journaling?"

"Well, I guess I've kept a journal since I was. . . a sophmore in college. Wow."

"It might be fun, you know, to look back at some of your older ones." Kate nodded.

That night, she took out her second journal. She'd kept it through her junior year of college.

March 14, 1994

I am hating Beatrice today! She took me to this bar last night, I got totally trashed, and after I'd had way too much to drink, some jerk guys talked me into being a wet-Tee shirt contest. It's so embarassing. and I have a feeling it will come back to haunt me. Some guys were there, frat guys, it was their five year reunion, from Iowa, I think. Some of them were real jerks, but there was this guy standing in the corner. Omigod, he was so hot! Only I was acting really stupid, and I hardly remember. I actually started hitting on him, I remember that. And I remember what he said, the rest is kind of a blur. I asked if he wanted to come back to my room. He said, "You, my dear, are inebriated." I told him, no, I'm a Catholic. At the time I thought that was the funniest thing in the world. So he said, "Okay, you're wasted." He looked right at me with the most beautiful blue eyes I'd ever seen. He said, "You're too special to be wasted." He kissed me, and I'm very happy that that's part of the night I _can _remember, because, damn. I think I threw up on him. . .

Kate quit reading, incredulous, and another night came to her memory. Trailing a suspect in the park, the suspect doubling back, and that feeling of familiarity that made sense now.

She flopped back onto her sofa, wondering if she ever dare show her face at work again. This was going to be a very long Alternate Universe Season!

Coming up in Episode 1 of AUSeason 3: KATE LIVES: Chapter 1: Moonlight.

"There seems to be an organ missing."

"Removed by the killer?" Gibbs wanted to make sure they weren't going to go on a wild goose chase based on this only to find he'd had an appendectemy.

"Well, I would certainly hope so," Ducky said, "It's his heart." Tony looked at Kate and raised his eyebrow, his face still set with the disgust he felt looking at the body. Her expression mirrored his.

"Think it's a trophy, Boss?" McGee postulated.

"Most likely," Gibbs said, his tone making it clear that he was not happy about this possibility.


End file.
